Hey, I know that you’re probably mostly here for the writing chat and if you’re not interested in my post op chat that’s okay I’ll be back with more writing only stuff soon. This post does talk about my writing and my writers life and if that’s all you’re interested in you’ll want to skip the next four paragraphs.
It’s been two weeks yesterday since I was discharged from hospital, and honestly if you told me it was two months I’d believe you, because it feels like a lifetime ago. I’m never sure why that sensation happens, but my guess would be it’s because a lot happens & your brain can’t quite compute that it’s all happened over a short period.
Today I did my longest walk yet at 0.89 of a mile (according to my Fitbit GPS) The first walk that I did the Sunday after coming home was 0.14 of a mile so that’s a huge increase in such a short period of time and I’m proud of myself. Because there are days I can’t be bothered, but I do it anyway and every morning I start of slow and stiff and by the time we’re home I’ve picked up my pace and it feels like everything is smoother.
Before my op I was busy, laundry, dishes, cooking, housework, writing - my days were full and now it’s physio, walks, rest and bed desk. In short, this operation has, for a little while at least, forced me to take things slower than I have for years and perhaps that’s no bad thing.
There’s a lot of things I can’t do right now and there’s no point in getting all worked up about it, because that changes nothing. Instead I’ve chosen to focus on the little wins. The longer walks, the stronger physio exercises, any moment where I can do something else for myself again.
It’s also meant that I’ve had to push back some planned writing things because I just can’t at the moment. I worry that I’ve left people waiting for a new Rowan book for too long and perhaps my audience will be gone when I’m ready. But then I remind myself that I happily wait a year or more for the next in series of a traditionally published book without questioning it.
So much of self publishing feels like it’s about speed, you’re told you need to do quick release, write six books a year. And maybe the authors doing that are making loads more money than me and loving every minute of it - I really hope so, and good for them. The truth is that right now I can’t do that. I need to take slower road to publication.
One of the main benefits of self publishing and any creative self employed work is meant to be that we control the schedule. It’s our business so we get to control the whole process. But before my operation I was working harder and more hours than I’d ever worked in any employed position. Of course you’re bound to work harder for yourself, after all I’m doing what I love and I if I work hard I increase my chances of success.
I’ve spent the last 12 months pre-op in arthritic pain, a pain that affected my over all life and well being, it was hard to show how happy and grateful I was to be writing full time when I was in a constant state of pain. And pain is draining, physically and emotionally. And whilst major surgery and recovery is far from pain free it’s a very different kind of pain and one that I know has an expiration date.
In the two weeks since my surgery I’ve felt a lot of emotions - a veritable smorgasbord of emotions, but overwhelmingly I’ve felt happier, calmer and with a renewed sense of hope.
Honestly it’s very possible that in a few months I’ll need to look for some sort of paid employment - my redundancy money can only keep me going so long and whilst I would love to report back that my writing income has picked up to a level this isn’t necessary I’m also a realist. But more than ever I am focused on what I want my future to look like and more determined than ever to make it a reality.
I want that reality to be on my own terms - a life that brings me joy and supports me both financially and creatively. So two weeks on from leaving the hospital I’m looking at how I can grab life with both hands and achieve my ambitions in a healthy sustainable way.
I can’t tell you how grateful I am for my readers and how much I appreciate you for staying with me throughout all of this. I promise there’s going to be plenty more books to come.